Monday, 16 January 2012

When Ice Attacks: Kingston's Ice Storm Leaves All Undead

Walking to school on ice: fun, but deadly
Kingston is infamous for its winter ice storms. Its collective memory is still haunted by the infamous ice storm of 1997, which has been likened to an attack by a weapon of mass destruction. The incident last week has proven that this is still an omnipresent threat.  In response, Golden Words has compiled a list of advice for surviving the next time you can’t leave the house because your front door is frozen shut and all you have for entertainment is your hipster housemate’s crank-powered record player with his collection of New Pornographers vinyls.

1. Frozen branches make for a nutritious yet delicious treat at minimal cost. They also provide fuel for maintaining internal body temperature which is essential in weather where your saliva has frozen to the roof of your mouth.

2. Dye your Queen’s jacket neon green. Kingston’s elderly driving population becomes even more hazardous in these conditions: they often don’t realize that they are driving a car encased in ice and will have even more trouble slamming on the breaks as you drunkenly jaywalk across University St. after that beer-pong tournament.

3. Cabin-fever could leave you with a burning desire to engage in a murder-suicide with your housemates. To repress this burning impulse, we have designed a fun game to keep your minds sane and occupied: whoever can gather the most knives wins!

4. For Commerce students: Why sacrifice style for warmth? Wearing your suit over your winter jacket and snow pants provides an easy way for everyone to see how important you are while sacrificing none of the comfort of an adequately heated body. Although, since you are in Commerce, we’re not sure we want you to stay warm.

5. Don’t bike to school. I know you want everyone to think you are cool and hardcore, but even the most well-designed winter bike tires are ineffective on a giant sheet of ice. Save polishing your hipster image for the Wolfe Island Music Festival.

6. Old textbooks and course packs are an excellent means to fuel a bonfire for toughing out an extended power outage. In case you run out of fuel, an abundance of unread copies of the Queen’s Journal are available for use at the library.

7. Finally, and this is only to be used as a last resort: if you and your housemates are trapped inside without heat and with temperatures falling, the best way to keep warm is communal spooning. I know, but just hunker down, close your eyes and it will all be over soon. Unless you have a crush on one of your housemates, then you should take your sweet time.

That's all we’ve got for you today. The next time Mother Nature takes her revenge by barraging you with a bunch of ice, you can laugh in her moon-shaped face.

No comments:

Post a Comment