Sunday, 19 February 2012

How to Fit In At a Hipster Party

I promise they are less intimidating than they look

              It is Saturday night, 10:30 pm and a girl you met in the campus rec room has invited you to her party. A feeling of anxious excitement flutters around inside of you, but it is brought on by the prospect of success rather than failure. Checking yourself out in the mirror, you feel like Jonathan Rhys Meyers in Match Point: you are sporting your favourite purple polo and brown loafers; your hair is gelled into that ideal faux-hawk position; and your jeans are tight enough to show off a bit of your fine form, but not too tight (you don’t want to give it all away on this first night).  With a six pack of Heineken and a confident swagger, you head out into the night certain of the prospect of success.

             Upon arrival, she greets with a smile, a hug, and a kiss on the check. But as she leads you inside and you scan the interior, you can’t help but notice some odd behavior: everyone is wearing skinny jeans, plaid and oddly large glasses, smoking belmonts and drinking Colt 45, and dancing in a strange fashion to music which is not house. Then it hits you like an occupy protest: you are at a hipster party! Don’t panic, situation is still salvageable. If you like this girl enough to not immediately take flight for the exit, here are some steps to help remedy the situation. 

The Entrance:
             It is important to remember that hipsters have a different value set than you are used to. The chest pumped-up, biggest dick in the room masculinity will only earn you ridicule here.  To blend in with this crowd, you need to relax your posture, take smaller, less imposing strides, and look down at the ground frequently, because nothing says you are cool like not making eye-contact. 

Introductions:
            You are going to have to meet a lot of people who have probably judged you as a bro the moment you entered the room. But that is OK: you can turn it on their heads by assuming a semi-ironic posture while still embracing the traits you know and love. Refer them to as bro while conversing. Stick you fist out and tell them to “pound it.” Enjoy their confused expression as you call them a duster.

Drinking:
             Hipsters get drunk like everyone else. Might I suggest some ironic shotgunning to break the ice. However, as these people are not yet your friends, do not talk about how much you have had to drink. No one cares. 

Smoking:
            If you have made a few friends after a group shotgun and one of them offers you a cigarette, you need to partake. Inhaling toxins into your body is emblematic of that “I don’t give a shit” attitude these people are well known for. So smoke up buddy-boy.  

Music:
            This is a tricky subject and you need some confidence in your musical tastes to succeed. Don’t think that saying, “hey, have you heard that new arcade fire song?” is going to impress anyone. You need to dig into the more obscure.  I suggest the most unknown classic rock song you can think of.

Dancing:
            Usually some dancing breaks out at these parties. To blend in, you need to keep it low-key. Jumping up and down and fist pumping suggests the kind of enthusiasm these people despise. Might I suggest a dance which I call the hipster shuffle: alternate sliding your feet to the side and back, each movement taking two beats; as for the upper body, move it around in some irregular fashion while ensuring that you return to a normal position every 8 beats. And remember, eyes on the floor.

           That's all the help I can offer. Stay faithful to this guide and by the end of the night everyone will be saying: “I thought that guy was a total bro when he walked in, but he is totally a hipster.” And as a final note, please remember not to ask: "So why did you decide to become hipster?" You will destroy all of the evening’s progress.

3 comments:

  1. So this is where "Rock You Like a Hurricane" comes in

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    1. YES! I couldn't imagine a more perfect situation to bring that out. everyone will be head banging by the end.

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    2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nYvmm0Ofmc FLY BY NIGHT IT'S LIKE A ROCKET FLIGHT AND BABY THAT'S JUST WHAT IT'S FOR, FLY BY NIGHT IT MAKES YOU FEEL ALRIGHT YOU KEEP COMING BACK FOR MORE AH-AH-AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

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