Saturday, 11 February 2012

The Queen's Barbell Thief: A Few Pounds Short of a Plate?

Hipster breaking into the Queen's ARC


At Queen’s, I have encountered strange and often idiotic behavior: engineers dousing themselves in toxic purple paint, students kicking brand new Queen’s jackets home on the sidewalk, and band members playing the rear-ends of female members like the bongos. Yet never could I have imagined such blatant idiocy from a school that undergrads describe as “Canada’s Best.” At 5:00am on February 3rd, the person pictured above broke into the Queen’s ARC and stole a barbell for his personal collection.

 For the past hour, I have been trying to unravel the thought process leading to this decision. Here is what I have thus far: at 4:30 am, likely under the influence of marijuana, the suspect was flexing his muscles naked in front of the mirror. Lamenting his lackluster biceps and scrawny behind, he decided it was time to bulk up for beach season. Yet reflecting upon how trips to the ARC and back this would entail, he realized bringing a few weights home would require only one trip and afterwards he could work out as he pleased in the comfort and convenience of his own room.  

"This is going great!"
        Although impressive that he successfully broke into the ARC, the rest of this heist suffered from poor execution.  I’m not sure if whether, in his inebriated state, he forgot the existence of security cameras, the internet, and social media or if he thought it cool to dress up for the cameras, but the only place he could avoid detection with an outfit like that is in Brooklyn. A purple and pink winter jacket would not permit one to blend in with the rest of the Queen’s population; a better selection would have been a Queen’s jacket. Also, as I suspect the sunglasses were a fashion statement rather than an attempt at concealment, he should have worn a hood, a hat, a scarf, anything over displaying his satisfied smirk for law enforcement officials.

            Fortunately, this menace to society, because of his idiocy rather than criminality, was apprehended soon after. He was arrested by the Kingston police at his house, laying low upon discovering his face plastered all over the Internet.  So, while cleaning garbage at the side of the highway, I hope he remembers next time to do a better job at hiding his face: had he done so earlier, he probably would have gotten away with it.
"I have totally gotten away with this"

3 comments:

  1. strange how you assume he was high at 5am looking at himself in the mirror, my first assumption would be that he was so blackout he figured him and his boys would love to have some weights to toss around a few weeks before the biggest trip down south of their lives, so on his way to smash a broad's mitt, he broke into the newest and most highly secure building on campus in a beauty uniform and risked his academic career..for his boys. and he didn't get in any trouble, for the record.

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    1. i am all for reconstructing alternative narratives of his strange mental processes. your explanation seems equally if not more plausible. yet the photos do suggest a certain degree of coordination in his physical movements. he seems fairly balanced while carrying the barbell.

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  2. the dude can drink an exorbitant amount of alcohol without displaying many outward signs of belligerence.

    I know him.

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