Thursday, 29 March 2012

10 Signs Your Passive-Aggressive Roommate Is Angry

Note the use of colour to emphasize different moods
           It can be difficult to identify a passive-aggressive roommate. They are often in good spirits, but during certain moments their mild mannered facade gives way to subtle hostility. It is hard to say why they act this way: some wish to avoid the ensuing days and weeks of awkwardness that a confrontation can entail; others simply prefer to let out their anger in small, calculated bursts. Yet whatever the motivation, it can lead to a breakdown in the roommate system, with its accompanying messes, smells, and sinks rendered unusable. So here are 10 telltale signs to show that everything is not "fine", before it is too late.

1.      They get angry while playing video games against you

2.      Things you left lying around the apartment have been gathered in a neat pile outside your door

3.      You find notes sprinkled with underlines, all-caps, and exclamation points

4.      They thank you for things you haven’t done yet

5.      Furniture starts disappearing from the living room

6.      You find the food segregated and a line drawn down the middle of the fridge 

7.      They start learning the saxophone

8.      They have autographed their toothpaste, shampoo, and toilet rolls

9.      A pile of dirty dishes has been assembled on your desk.

10.  You are no longer their friend on facebook

Friday, 16 March 2012

The Art of Internet Arguing

Is this you?
          Frustrated about having to argue with nitwits on the internet? Wish there was some magical way to make them see the superiority of your point of view? Well, you can all rest easy now. Disturbed by the regular descent of internet arguments into a fury of insults and condescension, I decided to do something about it. 50 hours of forum trolling and 5 migraines later, I was able to unlock the secrets which propel the best internet arguers to success. And even better, my methods do not discriminate based on political orientation. So whether you are a crass conservative, waffling whig, or sassy socialist, they will work for you. So come now and learn how to effectively silence and dazzle opponents through the sheer magnificence of your intellect!

1. Avoid poor spelling
           In the heat of the moment, people get so riled up rushing from one point to another that they forget the second letter of every word, rendering great ideas incomprehensible. Rather than racing to respond,  take a deep breath, google pictures of baby deer, and remember: if they can't understand you, you can't prove them wrong.

2. Pull rank based on your degree
           The more higher education in the liberal arts you possess, the better your opinions are.  So arts students: point out to those management, science, and engineering students how they don't understand society as well as you. Graduate students: you are at the top of this pile and should enjoy as it won't come often. So make sure to mention you spend your time crafting opinions more complex than puny undergraduate minds can even fathom.

3. Do not work for less than 30 minutes on any post
            The last thing you want to do is make a fool of yourself on a public forum. You need to devote time into crafting your great argument. It may seem tedious, but it's worth it. At the end of the day, you will feel good for having properly educated someone.

4. Exploit All-Caps
           Nothing drives home a point more than capital letters. It has the equivalent effect of raising your voice during an argument with none of the ramifications involving pushing and shoving. When you reach the crux of the point, smatter your sentences with all-capped words to let your opponents know this won't be a typical cruise through cyberspace.

5. Acknowledge the validity of someone's view before ripping it apart
            Being diplomatic goes a long way. Begin your counter-points with phrases such as: "Yes I hear you, but....." or "That is a good idea IN THEORY; however......." That way, your opponents will know that you have objectively compared the two arguments and deduced yours as superior.

6. Have links at hand
            Establishing fact often requires a source outside of your own personal experience. After elaborating on your position, link a website which supports it. You will add much authority to your point if you can find a person on the internet who agrees with you.

7. Theorize first; philosophize second
             An argument without theory is like a 40 of Colt 45: it makes up in volume for what it lacks in sophistication, but will never be taken as seriously as those craft beers with fancy labels. So add some sophistication to your arguments by referencing great theorists and thinkers of your ideology. For the left, name Mill, Chomsky, or Keynes. As for you conservatives, don't feel left out: believe it or not, you have thinkers too! So don't be shy and name the great ones, like Burke, Huntington, or Flanagan, and watch those lefties go crying all the way back to their nanny state. 

8. Accuse your opponent of being racist
            Opportunities always arise to use the R word, whether your opponent supports western imperialism or discrimination at government jobs against white males. So call them out. It is a great way to discredit anything they may say afterwards and the rest will be too scared to oppose you by fear of association

Take that Cynics! We will bring Kony to justice because of our actions